Making Blog

Aka wanted his blog to change direction. He wanted it to have even some direction. After all, his blog was his legacy. Some things in life are more unfortunate than others but Aka's blog was beyond unfortunate. It became an embarrassment to the blogging community and there were plans afoot to either have him shape up or ship out. Aka couldn’t decide which was worse so he flipped a coin. The coin, the finest decision making device ever invented, choose shaping up. The transformation would necessairly have to start with a name change, so he brain-stormed for several painful seconds. In Aka’s case, brain-storms were more like brain-drizzles, or brain-fizzles.

Ok, enough of Aka and his ramblings. Here are the nominees for Best Aka’s New Blog Name:

The Things We Do For Blog

No Money No Blog

16 Ways To Leave Your Blogger

Blog Letter

That’s What Blog Is All About

Blog Of My Life

Blog Hurts

All in Blog Is Fair

Endless Blog

Feel Like Making Blog

Glory Of Blog

I Blog The Way You Blog Me

I Don’t Want To Live Without Your Blog

Blogs Can Move Mountains

Blog Will Conquer All

All Out Of Blog

Remember Me With Blog

Blog Me Or Leave Me

Will You Still Blog Me Tomorrow

My Blog Is Your Blog

I Know What Blog Is

Could This Be Blog

And the winner is............coming soon to a Blog near you.

The Blog Master Cometh

The First, and only remaining Paragraph (much too long) of Aka's most rejected novel, The Blog Master Cometh

The deadline is getting closer but I must be brave, I MUST overcome. The Blog Master would not be tolerant this time and I must produce. I can hear the clock ticking away as I look over my shoulders. My heart stops, or maybe it is only the clock. The keyboard is unfriendly, but I continue anyway. Sweat drips and I still have a full head of hair. A creak comes from the steps below and I know The Blog Master cometh. My days as a Bloger are coming to an end, but much too soon for one as gifted, and handsome as me. I will not give up. I will not give them their way. They laughed at me in The Village and they called me a Blog Monster. I will show them, I will have no mercy. My Blog is my life and I won’t let them take that away. The creaks get louder and now sounds like an old bed in a house of ill repute during a bout of prepaid passion. I see shadows, they are getting longer and longer, not unlike those in the old Hammer horror flicks. I ignore their slow and overdramatic approach as I attack the keyboard with a passion never before seen in this Blog. My creation is about to come to life; it moves, light flashes, but not where I thought it would. I hear a loud thud; The Blog Master apparently has bumped his head again. I snicker at the thought. I wish him the pain of a hundred nagging women during PMS. I am almost done; The Blog to end all Blogs is about to be born. Suddenly, I hear a loud crash, the lights go out, my UPS kicks in for once, I press save, but something doesn't feel right, it feel wrong, it feels a bit soft around the edges but not all that bad. I see another flash and I am terrified at the sight. I didn't expect this! I know they were devious but I never imagined they would stoop this low. I shriek, and my lights go dim, then, slowly, they go out. That was the last thing I remembered.

Blogers Note:

The Blog Master Cometh was banned and therefore will not be released at a Blog Outlet near you as previously advertised. Refuds for advanced orders will not be forthcoming, since Aka has already paid for his flight to Lithuania.

Interview With A Bloger

This is the now famous fictitious interview done by the famous but fictitious bombshell reporter Mini Skirt, with the even more fictitious and less famous Aka Lol. Mini was predictably dressed and Aka was also dressed. The reason this interview was conducted is still unknown.

Mini: Aka, what is the meaning of Life is a Beach, or as you annoyiningly put it, This Beach Called Life.

Aka: It means life is like a beach.

Mini: Can you expand on this since our readers and not as smart as you.

Aka: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your tone?

Mini: It wasn’t a hint!

Aka, rolling his eyes and looks to the ceiling after taking a peep at Mini’s low cut top.

Aka: Very well, Mini, I will expand. I like the beach and I like my life. Sometimes the beach is calm and peaceful and very reassuring. It can bring out the best in you and it can lock out the world. At its best, there is nothing that can compare to the beach. Then there are times when the beach can be rough and unpleasant. It is totally transformed into something unrecognizable and unbearable. But it never stays that way for very long, and it soon comes back to its peaceful state. As I said, Life is a Beach.

Mini: Ok, whatever.

Aka: Did I impress you?

Mini: No.

Aka: @#$%

Mini: Will you not resort to this vile behavior?

Aka, looks amused, but mostly he looks at the rising hem on Mini’s skirt.

Mini: Some say you are an atheist, is that true?

Aka: I will be any type of doctor you want me to be.

Mini: An 8-tee-yist. Is someone who doesn’t believe in God. I thought you were smart.

Aka: I am smart but only around smart people. But to answer you first question, I don’t believe in religion though I do believe it is useful. I do believe in God but not the limited Gods of religions. I do not believe in the religion of fear but the religion of kindness and compassion.

Mini: Do you consider yourself a deep person?

Aka: No, I do not.

Mini: You write stuff that most people don’t write. Some say that means you are deep.

Aka: What it means is that I write stuff that most people do not. That is not deep, that means I have an idle mind and some time on my hands.

Mini: Do you have a general philosophy for life?

Aka: Right this minute it is A healthy mind in a healthy body.

Mini: So you are an advocate of fitness.

Aka: And I believe we are all fit people.

Mini: What do you mean, oh deep-one.

Aka: You flatter me, but not enough. What I mean is that we are all fit for different things. I met a guy yesterday who was fit for prison. Two days ago I saw a womanizer who was fit for plastic surgery. You get the gist of my theory.

Mini: I was expecting a deeper answer from one so enlightened. Can you be serious for just a short time?

Aka: Not with everything rising all round me.

As he ends the sentence, Aka looks at Mini’s hem line making slow progress. Mini doesn’t notice Aka's less than casual glances at the main attraction. Mini looks to the heavens but only makes it as far as the ceiling. She seems to need the patience to deal with this guy called Aka.

Mini: How long have you been bloging?

Aka: That sounds very indecent, thanks.

Mini: So, how long?

Aka: How long? I thought you would never ask, quite long actually. You would be very impressed.

Mini: Mr. Lol, please keep your mind out the rubbish heap. There would be children reading this interview you know. Men are all the same, aren't they?

Aka is amused that Mini is not. Her hem is unmoved, and Aka silently curses the man who invented friction.

Mini: Please stay focused on the questions. What caused you to start bloging here?

Aka: Bloging, what a turn on. Anyway, I was encouraged by a very talented writer and fellow blogger. I don't want to call her name in public but I just want to publicly say Tunks; I mean thanks.

Aka shows juvenile signs of frustration as Mini's hem seems to be caught in rush hour traffic. Aka now casually glances at Mini's helpful top, but for some reason his mind goes blank, except for two things.

Mini: Why do you think I am interviewing you?

Aka: Because you tried the rest and want now the best?

Mini: Very funny! Do you think your readers will find this interview weird?

Aka: I think readers would be very disappointed there was so much friction during this interview, and no, they won't find it weird.

Mini: How can you be sure of that?

Aka: I am still alive, aren’t I?

Mini: What’s your greatest turn on in a woman?

Aka: When the hemline on her mini skirt rises just a touch.

Mini: And your greatest turn off?

Aka: When it drops.

With that answer Mini restores her hemline to its original position, flicks her head back, thanks Aka for the interview, and canters down the walkway. In another version of this ending she simply tanks Aka.

His Complete Unpublished Works

Aka Lol - His Complete Unpublishable Works

If You Are What You Eat Then Why Am I Not Human

Tree Reasons I gave Up Woodcutting

Parliament and Other Sources of Natural Gas

An Intelligent Politician - The Oxymoronic Years

Matchsticks, The Real Eye-opener


Blogers Note:

The rumor that all Aka’s works were rejected by publishers who publish authors with even the slightest hint of talent is true.


Blogers Further Note:

I can't believe you actually thought I had something more to say on this topic :)

A Metaphoric Blog?

Aka was convinced that everything, which was said and done in one's life was seen as metaphoric and, or symbolic by others. Both Metaphoric and symbolic are words which practically mean the same thing, but by using both synonyms simultaneously creates an air of intelligence. The problem with metaphors is they are prone to misinterpretation by the observer.

One example of a misunderstood metaphor, which springs to Aka’s mind, had to do with the handless analogue wristwatch that Xo had given Aka. He immediately thought it was symbolic of their relationship, that is, useless, helpless, and just an interesting conversation piece. Xo also thought it was symbolic of their relationship; she thought of it as timeless. Well, Aka did think of it as timeless sometimes, in much the same way being bent over in a Turkish prison feels timeless. When Aka had given Xo a pressure cooker for her apartment, Xo thought it meant Aka was thinking of her as being submissive and subservient to him. All Aka thought was if she was going to give him “beans” she might as well cook them properly first. Then there was the incident where Aka accompanied Xo to the auto alignment shop. Xo told the mechanic she was there for an alignment. Mechanics are not normally prone to detecting metaphors, but given her form-fitting attire, wrapped around a near perfect shape, there was much room for ambiguity in the request. Aka had to intervene and realign the conversation in its proper perspective.

by popular request this blog will not to be continued.

note 1: The name Xo is metaphoric, since it reminded Aka of Jean-Marc™ XO Vodka. High-priced, tempting and well crafted, but in the end, taste like any other Vodkas after a couple sips.

The name Aka is symbolic of his chameleonic personality. Also Known As many different things, none of them good, even in a metaphoric sense.

中国blog

Aka 总要对blog 用中文。他没有认为它会事关因为没人无论如何明白了他。他并且怀疑任何人会注意。不是他想被注意因为他晚了感觉是被注意。他不知道如果他正确对blog 用中文但来考虑, 他没有想要上面是Wong 或者。

Warning!! Do translate not to English for because it not does very fine.

This Joke Called Life

It is high time Life takes a good, long, hard and objective look at itself. If Life doesn't have the answers how could we? Only the happy and the lucky are the ones who can praise Life. They have become so delusional they think the rest of the World are like them - insanely stupid.

Why are people victims of circumstances beyond their control? Some are born with diseases. Some are born into war, genocide and poverty. And the lucky are born into health, wealth, opportunity, and peace. Is it any wonder that so many are disenchanted? Is it any wonder people look for answers in superstition and mumbo jumbo? Is it any wonder that the only comforts people ever find are in illusions? Still, there are some who are given the better end of the stick, but end up in the dumps. They have screw up, but that's not all because they have messed up several others along the way. "I did my best, he took my Life. They say it happens for a reason and for a good. Tell that to my children, to my wife, to my mother, to my friends. That is so comforting." If this isn't Life at its most tragic, I don't know what is.

Is there a secret out there and if so why is it being kept a secret? Is Life simply a cruel entity, drunk on power? All the evidence points to this. Are some being punished for acts of a previous Life? If so then that would be the cruelest joke of all. That would be like punishing a dog for an act he has no recollection of ever doing. Some of the delusional among us believe that, because it is their opium and they are addicted.

All we ask of Life is for a glimmer at the end of the tunnel, a hint of a silver lining. Sometimes, despite all the hope we put into it, and all the pain and suffering we have endured we have nothing good to show. That is not our legacy, that is the legacy of Life. How could being bitter ever be wrong if Life, and it's twisted sense of supremacy, has forced that onto us.

All I can conclude is that Life is a defective system which defies human intervention. I doubt any Being who is Supreme can produce this sick joke except as an abuse of power. Life is his Joke, his Game, but our pain. That is the tragedy of Life, but Life is all we have; he made dam well sure of that!

Love and Death

The last lines from the movie Love and Death

Boris(Woody Allen): The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that human being are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns about that there is a god, I don't think that he is evil, I think that the worse thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about. The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye

An Unsavory Incident

Aka had caught The Master and Mini in a position that was not only compromising, but requiring great skill and Wisdom. This sighting drove Aka into a gloomy state, and caused, a fellow bloger (name withheld for security reasons), or blog-fellow, as it commonly referred to in modern bloging circles, to urged Aka to seek comfort in his own blogs. And this he did, much to the regret and annoyance his blog-fellows.

The Master had obviously not taught Aka everything and this had him disenchanted and bitter. It is true Aka wasn’t as flexible; I mean wise, as The Master but Aka was always willing to learn. What hurt Aka the most (no, not the position) was that Mini had to seek Wisdom from someone other that himself. Aka was proud of his Wisdom and was always willing to share it with Mini, if she so desired. Instead she went to the source, The Master, the great imparter of Wisdom. Everything in life teaches us a lesson but the only lesson this unsavory incident had taught Aka was that The Master’s Wisdom stood out more than his.

Scary Movies

We love to get scared when we have some control over the scare. That is the jolt we sometimes need when life gets too routine; otherwise we can blog. I never let the scary movie get to me, and that is why I don't have nightmares about them. But I do have nightmares about dumb and useless movies. I call no names because those movies know who they are.

I saw The Omen once, and found it scary. The Exorcist was frightening and a head-turner. The Ring did surprise me during the first look but the second time it fizzled, maybe because I sat next to someone who was even scarier. Friday the 13th (the first) had its moments, and generally bloody good. Some say I should see the original Psycho if I want a scare, but I saw enough movies with JLo, and don't ever want to be that terrified again.

A Question

The question is not why people care, the question is how could they not care.

A Con Job

Aka was not one for frills. He was the type to throw reality onto the bed of life, as it were, and get down to the task at hand, sometimes even with a finger to his lips. Naturally and in reality, this made him very popular with his imagination, but unpopular with his conscience.

Aka and Conscience, Cons, as Aka once affectionately called him, had known each other for several years and though inseparable, their relationship was now more of tolerance than friendship. However, when it was friendship it was close. But, as the nursery rhyme said, when it was bad it was horrid. Aka and Cons would often have these revolving-door type conversations, which always left both parties less than amused. Here is one such "Con Job," as Aka calls them.

Aka: I was thinking, Cons, when was the last time you took a vacation, alone.

Cons: You know I can't do that, you would be lost without me, and I, you.

Aka: Do you always have to speak like a Shakespearian character?

Cons: It adds to my credibility.

Aka: It adds to your stupidity.

Cons: I am not bothered by your feeble taunts, save those for lesser minds.

Aka: Really Cons, not bothered. Your whole life is based on being bothered. You need a vacation, go to the beach, collect some drift-wood, build a fire, bond with it. Do what all other consciences do, leave, maybe even meet Miss Conscience. That would get you off my case.

Cons: HaHaHa. How ironic it is for you to be tempting me with your weakness.

Aka: It is consciences like you, which makes life difficult for people like me.

Cons: It is consciences like me who keep you away from the law, the fast cars, the faster women, the sweetest temptations. It is I, who keep your bones intact and teeth in place.

Aka: Full of your self aren't you? You sound like a Calcium advertisment.

Cons: No, full of you. And Calcium is good for you.

Aka: What does that mean.

Cons: I don't know, there was a void in the blog and I filled it.

Aka: Ok, no probs. Thanks.

Cons: You are welcomed.

Aka sips some water. He turns the magazine to get a better view of the centerfold. He is impressed, he always is.

Aka: Have I not been a good boy Cons. Have I been too much trouble for you.

Cons: You have your moments, most bad.

Aka: Name one recent "bad" moment.

Cons: Mini Skirt.

Aka: What of her?

Cons: What of HER? What of HER? You could scarcely keep your mind away from her....from her....her.......You know what I mean!

Aka: So you were also looking! Where was your conscience, my good man. You are a guilty conscience!

Cons: I did my job, I worked overtime. Didn't you see me? Didn't you see me waving like a mad mind. Did you not hear me scream. And when that didn't work didn't you not see me "wine down de place," just so that you would remember me!

Aka: Yes, yes the “wine.” The worst thing in the world is “ a Con wine,” and your wine was......uncalled for. Have you no conscience!

Cons: You frustrate me Aka!

Aka: And you, me!

Aka, looks untroubled, he turns to another page, his eyes pop out a bit and his blood rushes where it should. A truce is called, but the truce is never long. A temporary calm appears.

Cons: So Aka, what's on your mind lately.

Aka: You should know.

Cons: That's what I am afraid of.

The torment never ends.......

Happiness

Aka knew happiness couldn’t be bought but that didn’t stop people from selling it, and at bargain prices.

The Speed of Life

Aka wondered how fast life could travel, how fast from the beginning to the end. Aka had reasoned that there wasn’t any way for someone to travel faster than the speed of life, because if you could you would be dead, or probably not have ever existed. “You cannot live faster than anybody else because life travels at one speed and no faster” he told a friend. Not a very good friend, because this was not something good friends could put up with. Luckily, or unfortunately, this was the reason Aka blogged.

Sin City

The few unhappy, and probably disturbed people who walked out on the movie Sin City were victims of their own ignorance. Thankfully, ignorance has its own rewards, ten percent bliss and ninety percent punishment. These folks probably thought it was a remake of The Last Boy Scout because conventional wisdom said, how many different ways can you make a Bruce Willis movie. A mind gone bad is a difficult thing to change, and if you happen to have one that was typically entertained for several years, and never once complained with any conviction, then this movie isn’t for you.

Sin City was not only good, it was dam good. The entire movie was presented in black and white, with red and yellow thrown in when appropriate. You had valiant heroes, diabolical villains and females who stun with their fist as well as their curves. The gore was both implied and stated. The language was riddled with clichés that were so good it made you want to blog right there and then. There were no intolerable scenes, there were no sluggish plots; every piece of the jigsaw fell into place like a banana into its peel. It was a movie designed to pump masses of adrenalin into you, and it did just that.

Unfortunately, this movie is not for those who are offended by comic book style dismemberment, fluorescent blood, dangerously sexy curves and tastefully arousing nudity. Sin City is no freak of celluloid and it did what it had intended to do, and it did it without any apology to the conformist minds of our ever-changing planet.

He Remembered

Aka remembered his very first thought. He remembered how good it felt to have a thought of his own. He remembered the excitement and the hope, as he released it into the wild from whence it came. He remembered how his thought was rejected and ridiculed by the others, only because it was different. He remembered how alone it had become and how it finally died from loneliness. He remembered not lifting a finger. He remembered his guilt. He remembered his shame as he swept the lifeless thought under the rug. But what he remembered the most was his mother lifting the rug and screaming “What were you thinking!” He didn’t remember much after that :)

Three Donkeys Escaped Unhurt

“Three Donkeys Escaped Unhurt” That was the headline in the local newspaper. Aka and the three donkeys had escaped, mostly uninjured when they skidded off a modest cliff whilst negotiating a perilous curve. How this happened remains a mystery since Aka had years of experience negotiating dangerous curves with donkeys, or was it, donkeys with dangerous curves. Anyhow, he vividly remembered the horrific scene with donkey after donkey falling and braying as it plummeted, not unlike what was seen on the daily seven o’clock news. It didn’t trouble Aka that he wasn’t mentioned in the article in the local daily because he knew in some countries donkeys were considered more valuable than people. However, in Aka’s country, donkeys and people were becoming indistinguishable. Aka thought this was proof of the theory As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.

The beach had once again become Aka’s guru and he had much to learn from it. At the beach, his thoughts flowed freely but what flowed wasn’t always impressive. Some thoughts weren’t even publishable in his blog. Other thoughts made no apparent sense but they made him chuckle all the same, such thoughts as “all birds have wings but not all have feathers” and “probably university graduates are cool because they are one or two degrees above zero.” Only Aka, and a few of his similarly disturbed friends, would snicker at such thoughts. The inappropriate “wisdom” flowed and usually when it was least expected, or needed. The beach had taught Aka that in life the word meaning had no meaning. This sounded profoundly philosophical but he didn’t understand what it meant. The beach also had a sense of humor.

Aka preferred the beach when it was not polluted with people, coolers and brightly off-colored beach mats. Still, there were times when being distracted by people was most welcomed. The people he meant usually came fitted with bikinis but unfortunately, none ever came without. Aka realized that over time, he was seeing less and less of bikinis but this didn’t disturb him in a negative way. Though philosophical by nature Aka managed to see the humor in most things, even if only for a moment. Maybe he was happy and that was the reason he could see the funny side of things, but Aka thought the converse was true, it was his humor, though misguided at times, which brought him happiness. The bikinis didn’t hurt either.

Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita :)

The Dysfunctional Follower - aka Aka

Recent events had left Aka in turmoil. He became depressed and lost all enthusiasm for trouble. Turmoil was a necessary evil which helped the mind to grow. That is what The Master always said. The Master was Aka’s Guru, and sometimes financial adviser. The Master had become an internationally acclaimed guru and the author of several bestselling books, such as The Idiot’s Guide To Mountain Top Gurus, How To Path With Your Money in 5 Easy Steps - Starting Now, The Modern Guru’s Guide To Blogging, and his most recent ground breaking scientific work, Razor Blades and Other Cutting Edge Technologies.

The Master had a great influence on Aka and it was through his wisdom Aka had managed his life impeccably, until now. The Master had said something many years ago, which for some reason kept haunting Aka, and now more than ever. “Trouble is like stretch-fit-jeans, it doesn’t matter how big or old you are you can always get into it.” The Master was very wise, at least wiser than Aka.

The journey to The Master’s palace was never easy. Aka thought that this rough and perilous voyage was symbolic of life’s journey to find meaning. Others thought The Master was simply too cheap to have the road fixed. The Master was always good with money.

It took four days and three donkeys, excluding Aka, to get to The Master’s palace. Aka was convinced only The Master could end his present confusion. His guru understood human nature and had years of experience repairing troubled souls. The Master was famous for wacky wisdom and his philosophy was: wacky wisdom for wacky people. It took The Master many years and hundreds of dysfunctional people to perfect this wisdom. Aka was The Masters most prized accomplishment and this had the guru very uneasy.

Aka wasted very little time in laying all his troubles at The Master’s feet. He recounted all his recent exploits and also his close shave with the law. The Master listened earnestly and tried not to fall asleep. After Aka was finished, The Master became silent. In philosophical circles, silence was considered the deepest of states; it was the state in which all great wisdom was born. Wisdom is actually common sense but people's capacity to develop wisdom is almost nonexistent in modern times. That was the reason The Master's wisdom franchise was flourishing worldwide. Talk is cheap but wisdom will cost you, that was the motto on the sign of the ever successful The Master's Wisdom Factory and Salad Bar franchise.

Let's not stray too much and get back to the main plot before the reader brings up another webpage. The wisdom that Aka and his donkeys had laboured for was about to be born and Aka cringed. The Master, always one for dramatics, threw his hands in the air, like a goalkeeper in heat, and delivered his first salvo “Life is like a woman, you always want the one you don’t have.”

Aka yelled in shock and disbelief, he was a follower repossessed. He made no immediate sense of The Master's delivery and Aka begged him to explain, but The Master simply smiled in the way all enlightened gurus do. Then a miracle happened, as would be expected in this genre of stories. The dysfunctional follower had finally discovered the reason for his inner turmoil and suffering, and no, it wasn’t gas.

To Be Continued......??