Saturday, June 30, 2007

Larry vs Paris - The Blog Interview

LK: Welcome Paris. How was jail?

PH: I wasn’t in jail; I was at a correctional facility. You make it sound so gross.

LK: You were behind bars, weren’t you?

PH: Bars are for hardened criminals and houses in Trinidad and I am not a hardened criminal nor was I in Trinidad.

LK: How was your stay at the correctional facility and what was being corrected?

PH: Larry, you know a judge sent me there because he thought I was a menace to society. He thought I should be taught a lesson and my behavior was what he was trying to correct. And I think I was corrected.

LK: That sounds so profound coming from one who is so blond. Are you a true blond?

PH: Didn’t you see my movies?

LK: Let’s not go there. Miss Hilton, there are those who love you and those who hate you. Why is this? What do people hate about you.

PH: I know people hate me for my looks, my partying skills, my vanity, my money, my dog; Tinkerbell, and I am a natural born beauty with a perfect figure. What’s not to hate.

LK: But some say you’re dumb.

PH: Dumb is a four letter word that should never be used to describe people you are not related to. I am the perfect package so it’s natural for those who envy me to find one little fault in me and make a big deal out of it. I am not dumb; I just don’t have the time to be smart.

LK: So then why do you have so many fans?

PH: My fans are those people who appreciate perfection not brains. I don’t choose my fans they choose me. People don’t like you or hate you because of your IQ. You can’t always take IQ to the bank but you can always bank on beauty.

LK: You cried like a baby when they were taking you to prison; you called for your mommy. Was jail for you a turning point in your life?

PH: I had been handcuffed before but never like this. I cried because I couldn’t take my friends with me and they all should be there. Yes, it was a turning point for me, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I had time to reflect in a sober mode and for the first time in my life. I am sure I am a different but better person, a more responsible person who appreciates the consequences of not wearing makeup.

LK: Was that the reason you were whisked away from the paparazzi when you were released?

PH: Yes.

LK: Are you real or are you a made up girl.

PH: Feel this Larry…just joking, I know about your hearth condition.

Cough, cough! Larry almost falls off his chair.

LK: You almost pulled my plug there girl…what would you say would be the biggest change in your life after prison?

PH: I will party less, look at Discovery Channel…and the Larry King Show, naturally. I will wear underwear more often, learn to read, find out where the bookstores are…there are a whole host of things I was putting off.

LK: Would you call yourself a bad girl?

PH: Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t bad the new goodness?

LK: Would you say your parents brought you up in the wrong way?

PH: What is the right way? I was born to look good and that is my calling. The public need me Larry, they need to look see what they are not. We are all not equally blessed and why should I pretend I am not who I am.

LK: You sound smarter than you look. I am impressed.

PH: That is what I do best Larry, I impress.

A Wealthy Nation

Corn-curls are important to any nation aspiring to become developed. You can tell by the speed and urgency which the corn-curls delivery trucks pelt down the highway at six in the morning. I have nothing against early deliveries but driving like a menace to meet an unrealistic delivery schedule is criminal. All corn-curls investors want a high rate of return on their investment because they have boats and girlfriends to buy. In order to make more money the output per corn-curl worker has to be increased, thus giving rise to speeding trucks at daybreak. Higher profits mean increased employment and the employed not only provide for their families, they provide them with corn curls. The more corn-curls a country possesses wealthier the nation.

Beer trucks are slower than the trucks of their corn flavored counterparts. What they lack in speed and aggression they make up for in causing traffic jams in narrow country roads where the people-to-bar ratio is legendary. Beer distributors claim using smaller trucks would be uneconomical since they would cause less traffic, giving people less reason to drink. The main reason men drink beer is not to relieve stress but to attract females by developing an appealing beer-belly. Like corn curls, the beer-belly is a wealth indicator.

SUVs deliver children to schools and contribute positively to global warming. Not only is the SUV fuel-inefficient but also their drivers sport oversize sunglasses to hide wrinkles and hangovers. By driving an SUV a person makes a bold statement about what they are and that statement says, I may not be pretty but I sure got money. The typical SUV driver talks about the dangers of global warming while driving. They justify buying an SUV by claiming the roads are bad, and that is why they swerve from every pothole they meet. In most wealthy countries, the SUV and its owners are considered as important as corn curls and beer as wealth indicators.

We are a wealthy nation.