The Pessimistic Idealist

What do you call and optimist with pessimistic tendencies? Me. I am a believer who doesn’t know what to believe. I would feel better about looking for the answers if I was surer about the questions. Naturally, I am looking for the truth but I am aware that if I found the truth it might be of no use. This is the pessimist in me speaking today, or is it the realist. Nevertheless, I can be an idealist at times.